) and in my still present childhood coping method I was doing everything I could not to face those suspicions.
The truth is that I was putting a ton of work into relationships with people that I knew deep down would dump me if I stood up to them and that was a horrifying realization.
I got my feelings hurt easily and was thrown off-balance when someone would say something biting to me.I felt other positive emotions quite deeply as well.For years I was willing to go back to ‘trying to understand them’ and ‘trying to change me’ rather than face that fear of rejection.I was extremely afraid of the probability of their rejection as though my very life was at stake; so afraid that I was unwilling to look at truth and consider that continuing to put up with the way I was disregarded may have been worse than being rejected.When the mood shifted from normal to tense, I was quick to notice it and quick to try to set things right.
My mom called me “the little peacemaker.” When things did get tense or volatile in my household, I felt overwhelmed with the intensity of the negative emotions whirling around me.That means that this personality disorder can (and should, if you are reading this page ;-) be studied in order to get some additional insights into actual behaviour patterns of personalities in this category.Knowledge is power, and in this case it also helps to lessen the level of frustration and increase the level of protection of your own personality from the negative effects of dealing with a borderliner.Very often it was the reaction to the realization that sent me backwards to the comfortable and familiar coping methods of compliance and obedience that no longer served me.~As I began to realize that maybe I was not the biggest problem in the relationship and that perhaps there was something valid about my suspicions (labeled by others as feelings that were probably wrong) that I was always being ignored, shut up, discounted invalidated and disrespected ~ ~THEN I started to consider that perhaps I was spending too much time on thinking about how I could change me (believing that changing me would change the way they treated me) instead of thinking a bit more about the lack of equal value towards me and I started looking a little more closely at why I didn’t stand up to the ways that I was treated in a more proactive way. As soon as I seriously considered drawing a boundary, my ultimate fear of being cast away from my family without further consideration became what made me reject the thought about drawing that boundary. throwing tantrums when some innocent word, gesture, facial expression or action by others sets off an emotional storm they cannot control.